“You'll always be the best that America has to offer the world.” (Barack Obama, to veterans)
November 11 is the day we must remember the brave warriors who have protected and preserved our beloved way of life. You owe your liberty to them so don’t think for one goddamned minute you’re free to ignore such an important day. Got me?
For decades, Veterans Day has been a solemn time for sharing gallant tales from, say, the Good War or about those who fought off the savage hordes who dared to protect their homeland of Vietnam from invasion. But this year, patriots everywhere might wish to consider doing something new.
For example, you could spend your November 11 in quiet contemplation of those intrepid heroes who unselfishly risked the agony of carpal tunnel syndrome as they courageously pushed the buttons and computer keys to launch cruise missiles and predator drones at brown-skinned Third Worlders with unpronounceable names.
But, I submit, if you’re a real American -- if you have red, white, and blue running through your veins -- you’ll dig deeper and think about the most forgotten heroes of all. Yes, I’m talking about the valiant veterans of the military detention center at Guantánamo Bay, Cuba (“Gitmo”). So, without any further ado, I offer:
3 WAYS TO GIT MO’ OUT OF YOUR VETERANS DAY
1. Dedicate yourself to hanging yellow ribbons for the gallant knights who have altruistically put their feet and toes on the line each time they repeatedly kicked prone, chained, and blindfolded prisoners, I mean, enemy combatants.
2. Honor the resolute democracy-spreaders who exposed their fragile vocal cords to excruciating pain and injury when they engaged in the selfless daily practice of screaming at captive evildoers.
3. Never forget those courageous souls who braved the immense mental strain of conjuring up fresh and novel racist-sexist-homophobic-xenophobic epithets each and every day -- day after day, year after year.
Repeat after me: Thanks to their noble sacrifices, I am free. Thanks to their noble sacrifices, I am free. Thanks to their noble sacrifices, I am free. Thanks to their noble sacrifices, I am free. Thanks to their noble sacrifices, I am free. Thanks to their noble sacrifices, I am free.
Thanks to their noble sacrifices, I am free. Thanks to their noble sacrifices, I am free. Thanks to their noble sacrifices, I am free. Thanks to their noble sacrifices, I am free. Thanks to their noble sacrifices, I am free. Thanks to their noble sacrifices, I am free.
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